Is it Possible to Have Romantic Relationships in Buddhism? (No Attachments)

           This is something I have been pondering for years now. I have been deeply into studying Buddhism, and Zen, and others of the sort. All of them speak of no attachments. How is it possible to love without being attached? Well, it is possible, but not until we’ve practiced not being attached; not being attached to outcomes, people, and things. Once we’ve mastered that, love is just something else to not be attached to.

        What is unconditional love? It’s exactly as it sounds, loving without conditions to an outcome or the person we’re loving. I would imagine that is how relationships can be successful, with minimal conflict. Of course, we are human, and our ego will continue to show itself, especially when the mirror is constantly being held in front of our face. Relationships of all kinds are just mirrors of ourselves, as we only know what we are or have been. What we don’t like in others is what we do not like within ourselves. It is unresolved trauma, pain, fears, insecurities, and desires. When we desire things, it is to fulfill the egoic part of self. Obtaining pleasures and pleasurable feelings make us feel accomplished, able to be loved, and more complete. This is a tricky circle that continues, unless we are constantly conscious of it, monitoring our thoughts, our judgements, and releasing the expectation for an outcome. Most people fall in love, expecting it will be forever.

          How much do we love ourselves? Love cannot hurt, or the absence if it cannot either, if we are truly madly deeply in love with ourselves. Most people are not. This is why relationships can be so difficult, the expectations. Expectations of them, how they should understand us, or not do things if they loved us. That’s a bunch of crap. People all have their own paths, and how they choose to behave has nothing to do with us. That is just a chosen perception that will lead one to misery. And then it’s just a relationship, as opposed to a relationship in Buddhism.

          Buddhism teaches us to love all as one, and as a reflection and piece of a whole (God), since we all come from the same source. We are all little spawned versions of infinite possibilities and existence. Every unique human is a possibility of an existence. What is not to love? If we love ourselves and our creator, then we must love all parts of another human. If you can’t, then probably shouldn’t be in a relationship expecting it to be healthy. We can only create what we are and how we are to ourselves. If we are not caring for ourselves in all ways, including what we eat, what we watch, how we choose to spend our time, and mostly what we think, then there is no way to “expect” another person to do so, to and for you. That’s called selfishness and borderline insanity. It’s insane to expect anyone to do anything in general, but to expect them to treat us better than we treat ourselves is crazy talk.  

          So, let’s get real. What is it about when we get into relationships and out of the “honeymoon phase” that has the potential to turn us into little psychos? It’s the ego. The scared little boy or girl that goes into self-preservation mode and wants to hide, kick, and scream if we are not constantly happy. It knocks on our mind telling us silly things like; “That’s not how I want to be treated”, “ I don’t deserve this”, “I’m so nice and give them everything, why would they do this?” Victim, victim, victim, whine, whine, whine. So much for nonattachment.

          There is no ego in Buddhism. So again, “Is it possible to have a romantic relationship in Buddhism?” Yes. When practicing Buddhism is primary all the time. Buddhism, spirituality, relationship with self, first. Everything else is secondary. When everything just is what is, then there is nothing to be attached to. We have to trust that the partners we attract are meant for us in one way or another. If the relationship isn’t good, then there’s a lesson. If the relationship is good, there is a lesson. When we remind ourselves that every experience in our life is a lesson for our growth and to know ourselves on a higher plane, then every relationship and experience is a good one. Our souls do not learn and grow without the reflection of pain coming from an experience or loss.

          “Happiness is a choice” is one of my favorite, yet most harsh reality. Yes, we can choose to be happy in every situation. We can choose to the lesson and have gratitude for the learning. We can appreciate everything about life, up or down. We can choose all of this. We can choose happiness. We can choose to be happy in our relationships even if we are not “getting what we want”. There are no wants in Buddhism, there just is. There is the experience, and how we choose to have it comes from our ego or our true spirit. Our true spirit will always be grateful, our ego will always be victimized. That’s how we know who is in control, by asking ourselves what the feeling are surrounding a situation. The truth is in our soul. The soul never hurts or is in pain as it understands eternity and unconditional love. The soul always knows it needs to learn and is grateful for the lesson. The soul always sees good in others as it knows it is their path, and not ours. Our soul know that love is unconditional and that all people are to receive that love. All any person wants is love.

          Love is not a thing. Love is a way of being. Love is the beauty in every moment. Love is appreciating the ferocious storms knowing that all things must die to be reborn. Love is what allows things to grow and become love. Love is within and without. There is nothing inside that is not out there.  If everything is love, then everything must be felt, seen, and heard as love. Our five senses are run by the ego, so that’s when the soul needs to step in and remember that everything is perfect. Everything is as it should be. Everything was created from our minds and our karmatic path. Everything is meant to happen, so why not love that?

          We have the power to choose what kind of relationships we will have by how we choose to treat ourselves. It’s really that simple. Even knowing nothing about quantum physics and vibrations of matter and thoughts, it’s not really that deep to understand that all feeling will create and energy within our body. Our body doesn’t ache and shut down for no reason. It is there to help us live. When our thoughts are destructive, our body will also be destroyed. A healthy body cannot function properly while being run by an unhealthy mind. That’s basic science. We just forget because our ego wants, wants, and wants all the time. Our ego is scared and doesn’t want to be alone. Because it knows that once the soul takes over, it will die.

          So, “Is it possible to have romantic relationships in Buddhism?” Of course, it is. Is it possible to stay on a Buddhist path while in a relationship? Well, that’s solely up to us. If we can remember that everything is what it is and it’s all perfect, then there’s really no problem with the relationship anyway. If we got into it while we weren’t madly in love with ourselves first, well, then it’s going to be really hard to see anything that’s really going on. The soul will be lost and once again needs to die in order to be reborn. In Buddhism, we are always reborn because everything just is.  

Happy Healing! ✨🌟✨

Gia Rose

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